


a fish tale

by omanjuu



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Day At The Beach, Introspection, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Rejection, Slow Burn, also some kind of canon divergence maybe bc idol work isnt explicitly mentioned???, i promise.... there will be happy ending :]
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:40:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28240107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omanjuu/pseuds/omanjuu
Summary: “...Feelings? K-Kanata-kun, what are you talking about? I don’t have feelings for you..? What? Huh? Erm, why is this like you’re rejecting me when I never confessed to you in the first place?”Kanata tells Kaoru he can't return his feelings for him, which is fine and all except for the fact that Kaoru does not have feelings for Kanata. At all.Or at least, that's what he thinks before he takes a trip down memory lane to reminisce on his time with Kanata.
Relationships: Hakaze Kaoru/Shinkai Kanata
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	1. unrequited

He’s gotten used to it by now.

“So you’ve been stringing me along all this while, huh?” The girl before him has her hands jutting into her hips, and her gaze is downright thunderous. “All this while – even as you whispered all those sweet nothings to me and promised me that I was the one you loved most in this world – everything has been nothing but a _lie_!”

All the screaming and shoving and the raw, explosive anger – Kaoru is already used to it. He can’t count on one hand how many times he’s cycled through break up after break up, and how, no matter how much he tries to sweeten the pain, it always ends up blowing up in his face.

“B-babe, it’s not like that, I just-”

“Don’t. You. DARE call me ‘babe’ or ‘honey’ or anything like that ever again, Hakaze Kaoru!” shrieks the girl, raising her hand up as if to slap him and instinctively he flinches. “You mean nothing to me now — nothing! I don't want to see your damn face for the rest of my life!”

“I... I see." Kaoru looks down, away from her, and makes an attempt at a smile. “Well, I was hoping that we could still be friends, y’know? I did appreciate your companionship, so I thought maybe even if we aren't dating anymore we can still-“

“Just fuck off.”

The door slams shut in his face, and it finally sets in. Kaoru stuffs his hands into his pockets, and sighs.

Just because he’s gotten used to it already, doesn’t mean it stops hurting each time.

* * *

Kaoru can’t count on one hand how many times he’s cycled through break up after break up, but each time without fail he finds himself making his way down a familiar path, to the one place in the world where he knows he’d be met with a warm, comforting smile.

Kanata’s house.

The security officer at the guard post nods at him, and Kaoru smiles back as he’s allowed into the sprawling estate. ‘Funny how I wind up here so often security doesn’t even stop to question me anymore,’ he can’t help but think.

Well, even if his presence has become routine for the Shinkai security team, that doesn’t mean Kaoru wants the whole menagerie of Shinkai associates and servants to catch him coming in right now with his eyes all red and puffy.

No, at times like this Kaoru never goes through the grand main entrance to get to Kanata’s room; rather, there’s a back entrance to the mansion that Kanata taught him about, where he’s able to sneak in without running into anyone on his way in.

The window of the room above the back entrance glows with light. Good, that means Kanata is still awake. He’d feel bad if stopping by Kanata’s house uninvited meant he had to wake up a sleeping Kanata just to selfishly siphon off some comfort for himself. Even if Kanata said he’s welcome to swing by anytime — because “Kaoru is my precious ‘friend’ after all” — bothering Kanata in the dead of the night would make him feel even more of nuisance than ever.

But just in case — just to confirm, Kaoru reaches down to pick up a pebble to throw at the window. Almost immediately, Kanata’s face draws close to the window, peering down at him.

‘Ah,’ Kaoru thinks to himself, ‘that's the smile I've been waiting to see.’

He can feel his eyes turn glossy again with tears, but he blinks them away. He can’t cry now, even if it’s because of a different reason. He can’t let Kanata see him crying, that’s way too uncool. Instead, he lifts his hand up to wave, and Kanata gives him a thumbs up back.

And into the mansion Kaoru goes.

The door to Kanata’s room opens just as Kaoru reaches, and Kanata stands behind it with a big smile.

“Kaoru,” he says, “I'm so ‘happy’ to see you.”

“Y-yeah, me too... You don’t mind me imposing on you so late though, do you?”

Kanata chuckles to himself. “Of course not, Kaoru. I’m always, always so ‘happy’ to see you.”

He then reaches out his arms towards Kaoru, and cocks his head. “Would you like a ‘hug’?”

In any other normal circumstance, Kaoru would have instinctively brushed past Kanata, insisting that he appreciated the sentiment but no, he would not like a hug. But of all days it _had_ to be today, and even he couldn’t lie to himself. A hug from Kanata would be nice; really nice.

He melts into Kanata’s embrace, and already the dull ache in his heart feels fainter than it had been before. It’s in the rustle of his outer coat against Kanata’s soft pajamas, in the soothing smell of Kanata that he breathes in gratefully, but more than anything it’s how Kanata’s warmth envelopes him in one swift motion... at his worst, when he can’t even imagine what happiness once tasted like, Kanata really is the only one who can make him feel better about himself.

Kanata’s hands find the back of Kaoru’s head, and he strokes Kaoru’s hair with the tenderness of an estranged lover. “You've been ‘crying’, haven't you, Kaoru?” he whispers. “Don't ‘worry’, just let it out. I’m here for you.”

“Ah... yeah.” Kaoru finally lets go of Kanata; he’s been clinging onto him for far too long anyway. He walks in, and sits at the edge of Kanata’s bed. “But it's nothing to worry about, I promise! I feel better now.”

“Really? Hm, is it because of my ‘hug’?”

With Kanata’s face so lit up with the prospect of his suggestion, Kaoru can’t find it in himself to reject him even at the price of his pride. “Yeah, definitely. Thanks, Kanata-kun. For... for always being there for me.”

“Hehe, hearing that from you makes me so ‘happy’, Kaoru." Kanata’s smile is brighter than ever now. He joins Kaoru right next to him on the bed, sitting so close their knees bump against each other. “So, why were you ‘crying’, Kaoru? Or would you rather I not ask? I am ‘fine’ not knowing too.”

Oh god, Kanata is too kind for his own good. He’s kind enough that he readily opens his home to Kaoru at any given moment, and now he’d shower Kaoru with the love and affection he desperately needed without demanding any answers? If anything, this only makes Kaoru's guilt towards seeking Kanata as a refuge from everyday life increase tenfold.

“It’s nothing,” Kaoru says, keeping his gaze on the hands resting on his lap. “Just... remember the girl I told you I was dating? Like, a couple weeks back? I ended up breaking up with her.”

“Oh no... Kaoru, I'm so ‘sorry’ to hear that.”

There’s a momentary break in the conversation, where Kaoru continues staring hard at his empty hands. He doesn’t want to look at Kanata right now, not if that means he’d end up close to tears again.

“Yeah, well... it was bound to happen anyway. No matter which girl I date it always ends up like this. There isn’t really a point in me being so bummed out over this.”

“Is there a ‘reason’ why you broke up with her?” Kanata asks. “Was it ‘something’ she did, or..?”

“No, it’s not like that. Nothing of that sort.” The longer he looks at his hands, the stupider he feels so he balls them up into tiny, tight circles. “I... I don’t really know why I broke up with her. I kind of wasn’t feeling it for the past few days, so I just... yeah...”

Beside him, Kanata hums in thought. “So Kaoru doesn’t know why he broke up with this ‘girl’ either. Hm... well, I guess that is ‘fine’ too. It is ‘fine’.”

“...Sorry, Kanata-kun. I don’t really know what’s up with myself sometimes. My head’s just a mess. I really thought everything was going well with her, but then after a while I find myself kind of... empty? I don’t know.

“And here I am again, imposing on you. Even if you say it’s fine and you’re always here for me, I can’t help but feel so damn guilty about it. I always come to you when I’m feeling down, and there’s no way it’s any fun for you to be around me when I’m like this-”

“Kaoru.”

“-so I just feel even worse about everything. About me, about this girl, and now about how unfair it is on you. But I don’t know where else to go when I’m feeling like this, so I just end up here all over again as if—”

“Kaoru.”

This time Kanata is able to successfully cut Kaoru off in the middle of his blabbering, but only because of his surprise at how Kanata’s hands were suddenly pressed firm against his fists. He looks up at Kanata, and is met with a steady smile, one absent of the vaguest trace of any negative emotion.

“Kaoru, you ‘think’ too much,” Kanata tells him, his voice just as firm as his grip, “you are not being ‘unfair’ to me at all. Like I said, I am always ‘happy’ to see Kaoru, no matter what. Even when Kaoru is feeling ‘down’.

“And Kaoru, you said that you felt ‘better’ after my ‘hug’. When you said that, I was so very ‘happy’. Nothing in this ‘world’ has made me ‘happier’ than hearing that from you. That’s why — please don’t feel ‘worse’ about yourself because of me.”

“...I-I see.”

To be told something like that so gently and without any judgement at all is almost too embarrassing for words. Kanata’s hands are still on his, steady and constant, so all Kaoru can manage to say is, “Thanks again, Kanata-kun. You’re really too kind to me, y’know?”

“You’re just as ‘kind’, Kaoru.”

‘I really doubt that’s the case,’ Kaoru thinks to himself, knowing that saying it out loud would only end up in Kanata being disapproving of him beating himself up all over again. So instead, he moves his hands away from Kanata’s, reaching out to stretch his worn out body.

“Well, it’s my own fault for coming here all the time when I’m feeling down, so that’s why I end up making nothing but sad memories, y’know? But it’s fine, being with you does change parts of them into happy memories too. So let’s make plenty more happy memories together, Kanata-kun.”

He knows there’s an easy smile resting on his face, so he expected Kanata to mirror it. But there’s a strange expression that flits across Kanata’s face as his hands retract from Kaoru’s lap.

“‘Happy memories’, huh?”

“...Kanata-kun?”

“Oh, sorry.” The expression is gone. “I was ‘lost’ in thought.”

“Haha, that’s fine too. Just don’t leave me hanging too often, okay? Even if it’s you, I’ll get lonely, y’know?”

“‘Lonely’? That’s not ‘good’ — being ‘lonely’ when I am right ‘next’ to you is not ‘good’ at all, Kaoru.”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! It was a joke, Kanata-kun!”

“A ‘joke’,” Kanata repeats after Kaoru again, pensive. The strange expression is back, and for some reason Kaoru feels oddly nervous about it. “You say you are ‘lonely’ as a ‘joke’, but you meant what you said earlier, right?”

“Said about what?”

“That you want to make more ‘happy memories’ together with me.”

Well, now that it’s said back to his face that line feels incredibly embarrassing too. Only Kanata can fluster him so easily, and with his very own words too!

“Y-yeah, I guess I do mean... actually... I-I don’t... I don’t know...”

Kaoru knows how uncool he sounds right now tongue-tied and uncertain and all — but he can’t do anything to salvage the situation nor his image. Not when Kanata looks at him with that serious, almost omniscient stare.

“I understand,” Kanata says after a long pause. There’s another equally long pause following that, but before Kaoru can think of something to break the silence Kanata continues, “Hey, Kaoru? There’s ‘something’ I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now.”

_...Huh?_

“W-what is it, Kanata-kun?” Those are Kaoru’s words, but for some reason they don’t seem like his; they come off as detached, and distinct from his rapidly pounding heart and dangerously high level of anxiety. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know that, but...” This is the first time Kaoru has seen Kanata frown this whole night, and it’s making his heart beat more erratically against his chest. Every nerve in his body is screaming at him to do something, _anything_ — to jump up and exclaim wow, would you look at the time now, he didn’t realise it‘s this late already so he should really get going and Kanata can tell him whatever he wants to tell him tomorrow instead — but at the same time he’s painfully rooted in his spot, unable to move an inch. This may go badly. This is going to be bad. “Well, never mind. I will just say it, then.

“Kaoru, I know about your ‘feelings’ for me. And I’m very sorry, but I cannot ‘return’ them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two years
> 
> i will try to keep this author's note brief but the backstory of this fic is that a little more than two years ago in the middle of the final exam for my english essay i was suddenly struck with the idea for this fic and i was struck with it so vividly i was like fuck this essay! i must commence writing kaokana at once! but evidently i didn't bc i am a # master procrastinator and also ended up being so distracted by fleshing out this plot bunny in my head that i gave up on proofreading my essay and iirc ended up scoring a whopping 26/50 for that paper so.... here i am now !!!!
> 
> but yes it's been a lot of fun collecting all my thoughts and finally putting them into words in the form of this first chapter <33 side note i am not 100% sure on how the shinkai house looks exactly i just imagine it to be big and also there to be a very convenient back entrance for kaoru! other than that i'm just going to continue having fun banging this out and hope it'll take me less than two years to complete this thank you for reading & hope you have a good day ♡


	2. drowning

This is the first time in his life that Kaoru has left Kanata’s house feeling heavier than when he arrived. But he can’t help it — even now that he’s out of the house, his mind is still in a haze as it replays the past thirty minutes back to him.

“...Feelings? K-Kanata-kun, what are you talking about? I don’t have feelings for you..? What? Huh? Erm, why is this like you’re rejecting me when I never confessed to you in the first place?”

Kanata’s face remained visibly grim. “Please don’t ‘pretend’ that you don’t know, Kaoru,” he said quietly. “Or that I don’t know. I am not ‘dumb’.”

“Right, but I’m not calling you dumb, Kanata-kun!” Kaoru wetted his lips, completely taken aback on what to do. “I just... don’t understand what you’re talking about? Like, I don’t have feelings for you, Kanata-kun. At all! Nothing, I swear! That’s why I’m super confused right now.”

“...At all?”

“Yeah, yeah! This is probably some big misunderstanding, okay Kanata-kun? I really don’t know what made you think that way, but I promise I don’t have any r-romantic feelings to you at all. S-so, if anything, it’s a good thing you don’t return my feelings? For you? Yeah? Not that I had any in the first place, ahaha...”

He’s gone off on a tangent long enough, but Kanata hadn’t made any move to speak. Rather, he continued watching Kaoru wordlessly with the same chilling expression that made Kaoru’s stomach do a dozen flips.

“Y-you know what,” Kaoru stammered, this time finally able to leap up from his spot and head to the door. “I think it’s been a long day for both of us and we should get some rest. We can talk about this... another day, okay? Good night Kanata-kun, sorry for making you stay up so late!”

He was out of the room and the estate before he could catch Kanata’s response, and here he is now. Drifting down some dusty street past midnight, not knowing where in the world he’s headed. But one thing’s for sure — he doesn’t want to go back to his own house anytime soon in such a sorry state.

A thought crosses him then, and Kaoru stops in his tracks. Huh, what’s that smell? Salty and familiar and... ah. That’s definitely the sea breeze.

Right, he totally forgot about how there just so happened to be a beach relatively close to the Shinkai estate. A quiet little one that he’s been to with Kanata.

As much as Kaoru loves the beach, he’s only ever there when the sun is high in the sky and the waters are shining and it’s teeming with life. Night walks at the beach could be his thing too maybe, but he’s never really had the chance to try it out.

But he could now. If Kanata’s home isn’t an option anymore, why not kill some time there instead?

The sea breeze becomes colder and harsher as he approaches it, so Kaoru tugs at his coat, soaking in the remnants of prior warmth. There’re a couple of beach towels left behind by previous beach goers, and he chooses one to rest on as he takes in his beloved sea.

He’s a little too tall for the towel, so rough grains of sand scratch against his exposed ankles and bare hands as he adjusts himself. High above him in the sky hangs a silver half moon, surrounded by tiny pinpricks of light that keep the night from being too dark and lonely. And — most comfortingly — the waves draw back and crash forward in a steady, rhythmic beat, working their magic on the otherwise tranquil night. Listening to this timeless ebb and flow of the natural world is somehow powerfully reassuring; Kaoru’s problems suddenly feel so much more minuscule than they once were.

“This is a nice beach,” Kaoru says, to no one in particular. He glances down at the empty stretch of sand, inhabited solely by him. “It looks a lot different at night... when there’s no one else here.”

He’s only ever been to it in the summer, when it was packed with locals trying to beat the heat. Summer... it’s been quite some time since then, hasn’t it? Kaoru closes his eyes, imagining the scorching hot sun and the infectious laughter and chattering at this beach during the summer.

That’s right, it’s been some time since he came with Kanata here last summer.

* * *

“Aw man, that was awesome!”

It was hot — oppressively so — but the cool sea water dripping down his chest and the adrenaline pulsing throughout his body were so refreshing that the heat was all but washed away. There really was nothing better than being at the beach and riding the waves all day long when it’s summer!

Kaoru picked up his surfboard once he reached the shore, and was greeted by a gaggle of high school girls clapping for him enthusiastically. Had he been alone — or honestly, with anyone else — he’d have swooped in to chat them up and grab their numbers, but today the focus was on Kanata. It’s nearly Kanata’s birthday and at his request Kaoru had convinced the Shinkai security that he would take good care of Kanata at the beach. And that meant he can’t take his eyes off Kanata for too long, lest he wander into the deep end of the sea and his inability to swim got the better of him.

So he offered the girls a cavalier wink, which received just as enthusiastic a response, and made his way back to Kanata.

“Hey Kanata-kun, did you see that? That wave just now was a total killer, but I nailed it! Wow!”

Kanata was sitting alone at the shore, where he basked in the moment the waves ran over his lap. He smiled up at Kaoru, eyes twinkling. “Yes, I ‘saw’ that. You looked so ‘cool’, Kaoru. Good job!”

“Thanks, Kanata-kun!” Kaoru positively swelled with the praise. “Surfing is so darn fun, y’know? And I had no idea there was a beach perfect for surfing so near us, score!”

“Yes, this ‘beach’ is ‘perfect’,” Kanata echoed Kaoru’s words, nodding. “Kaoru, are you having ‘fun’?”

“Me? Of course I’m having fun, but I think what’s more important is whether _you’re_ the one enjoying yourself, Kanata-kun. It took a lot to get them to agree to letting just the two of us go to the beach, so I really hope you’re having fun too, okay?”

There’s a short pause as Kanata soaked in the meaning of Kaoru’s words. Above them seagulls cut through the sky, punctuating the silence with their sharp caws of seagulls, and then Kanata smiled brightly.

“Okay, I understand. Hehe, Kaoru is so ‘kind’. I am having so much ‘fun’, Kaoru, because you are here with me.”

If not for the copious amount of time he’d spent by Kanata’s side being showered with such sweet, innocently flirtatious words, Kaoru would’ve taken that as a confession. But because this was Kanata, who was always spouting such kindness, therefore he had learnt to brush past it easily.

“Yeah, same here! ...But man, I really wish you knew how to surf too.” Kaoru turned to admire the sea and take in the ripple of waves that rolled forward from the endless blue horizon. “It’d be extra fun if we could surf together, don’t you think?”

“Yes, I do think so. In fact, I think that Kaoru should ‘teach’ me how to ‘surf’.”

Kaoru nodded to himself. “Oh yeah, I should totally teach you how to- wait, WHAT? K-Kanata-kun, you want me to teach you how to surf?”

“Yes, please ‘teach’ me how to ‘surf’. I want to have ‘extra fun’ with you.”

“No, hold on a second, I can’t teach you how to surf!” exclaimed Kaoru. But Kanata was on his feet now, and looking at him so earnestly that Kaoru could feel heat rush to his cheeks. “I’m not professionally trained or anything and... and in the first place you can’t even swim! Like, that’s the biggest issue right there — I already promised those security people that I won’t let you go too deep into the sea because you can’t swim, so you definitely can’t surf either!”

“...Please?”

“Kanata-kun, even if you say look at me like that and say ‘please’, I can’t-”

“Then Kaoru, you don’t have to ‘teach’ me how to ‘surf’,” Kanata cut in, reaching over to take Kaoru’s hands in his. He squeezed them firmly, so Kaoru daren’t retract them as he usually did. “We can ‘surf’ on the same ‘surfboard’ together.”

Kaoru blinked. And then blinked again. “What?”

“Kaoru.” Kanata frowned, evidently unhappy with Kaoru’s lackluster response. It’s funny, Kaoru couldn’t help but think, how his frown bordered more on a pout than the serious, angry frown he strove for. “You showed me people ‘surfing’ on the same ‘surfboard’ before, yes? Why can we not do that too?”

“Um, Kanata-kun, by ‘surfing on the same surfboard’ you mean those tandem surfing videos we watched together sometime back right? You- didn’t you see how complicated tandem surfing and doing all those tricks with your partner is? There’s no way we could do that — especially since you can neither swim nor surf!”

“We don’t have to do ‘tricks’ like in the ‘videos’. We can just ‘lie’ on the same ‘surfboard’, and ‘surf’ on the ‘waves’ together.”

“Lying down... oh, so you mean paddling.” Okay, now that Kanata had properly communicated his idea to him it didn’t sound _that_ crazy after all. It’s not crazy, but there still was one big problem though. “Right, theoretically we could do that but- no. Kanata-kun, you can’t swim. Like I said earlier, I promised that I won’t let you go too deep into the sea, so even if we’re on the same board I’m afraid that can’t happen. It’s too risky.”

Yet another rejection just made Kanata frown harder. “But why not? I know I will be ‘safe’ with Kaoru.”

“Well, Kaoru doesn’t know if you’ll be safe with Kaoru.”

“Nn, Kaoru you are too ‘stubborn’.” Kanata stomped his foot down on the sand in frustration. “You ‘promised’ me something too, you know — that I would have ‘fun’ with you on the ‘beach’. You said ‘today’ would be all about me, did you not? Then why are you ‘refusing’ my ‘request’? I just want to have ‘extra fun’ with you, Kaoru.”

Oh man, Kanata was good at this. He’s got Kaoru wrapped around his little finger, feeling guilty and all now. “Listen, I do want you to have fun today, I really do. But I don’t think-”

He had forgotten that Kanata was still holding onto both his hands, so imagine his surprise when Kanata gave them a good _tug_ and he found himself falling towards — no, falling into Kanata. Kaoru opened his mouth to make some sort of sound in protest, but the sudden realisation that his chest was pressed against Kanata’s simply sucked the words out of him.

Through his dark and thick lashes, Kanata looked up at Kaoru; Kaoru was powerless under that gaze. “...Kaoru, please?”

Kaoru’s breath hitched in his throat. Kanata was so unfair... there was no way Kaoru could’ve won against him. Not with a look like that directed right at him.

“Alright, fine,” he mumbled, stepping away from Kanata a little too quickly. Having unwittingly held Kanata’s hands for so long, they were now damp with sweat that he wiped away on his swimming trunks. Sweat that he wasn’t completely certain came solely from the summer heat, but he wasn’t about to think about that — or why being in such close proximity to Kanata rendered him speechless — right now. “I’ll go rent a surfboard big enough for the two of us. But you have to promise me you’ll hold on tight to it, okay Kanata-kun? The waves can be a lot for a beginner, and I don’t want you slipping and falling off into-”

“Yay! I’m so ‘happy’, Kaoru! I’m ‘over the moon’! Thank you!”

“Hey, are you listening to me? You have to promise me to be safe first!”

“I ‘promise’!” sang Kanata, now dancing about on the sand. “I will be very ‘good’, Kaoru. We will have ‘extra fun’.”

‘Extra fun’ — Kanata was definitely having extra fun. Maybe too much fun even. It seemed like it was his first time so far out in the sea, so even though he was gripping onto the board firmly as Kaoru had nagged at him to, his whole body was quivering with palpable excitement.

“‘Surfing’, ‘surfing’ with Kaoru! I am so ‘happy’!”

“I think the whole world can tell that you’re happy even without you saying it, Kanata-kun,” teased Kaoru, but in all honesty Kanata’s jubilation was rubbing off on him too. Good thing he was too enamoured with the sea to turn back and look at Kaoru, or he’d have caught the stupidly big grin that was written all over the latter’s face.

Speaking of the sea, Kaoru was paying careful attention to the waves too. He didn’t want to run into a wave too big that it could put Kanata in potential danger, nor one too small that there would be no thrill in riding it at all. The wave that was approaching them seemed a little wilder than he’d have liked, but this would work too.

“Alright Kanata-kun, we’re going to catch this next wave. Make sure you hold on tight to the surfboard, okay?”

“Okay!”

Having drilled the same mantra into Kanata’s head for the nth time, Kaoru was ready for game time. He paddled towards the wave, one stroke at a time, and almost instantly it lifted them a considerable distance above where the once were.

“Wow... wow, Kaoru this is so ‘fun’!” Even without catching a glimpse of Kanata’s face, Kaoru could tell he was absolutely enthralled. “We’re going so ‘fast’... Kaoru, I’m having so much ‘fun’!”

“Right? You get it, don’t you Kanata-kun — this is the thrill of surfing!”

“I do!” The wind ruffled at Kanata’s hair, and Kaoru looked on tenderly at the blue strands that were splayed all over the place. He didn’t know how engrossed he was in taking in the very special view before his eyes until the very last second: when he finally noticed, in knife cold horror, that Kanata had prised his fingers away from the surfboard, and was now holding his arms out into the air as if they were wings. “This feels like... it feels like I’m ‘soaring’.”

“Kanata-kun, what are you doing?! I told you to hold onto the surfboard, put your hands back there now!”

“...Oh, oops. I did not ‘notice’.” Kaoru could hear the sheepishness tinged in Kanata’s voice, but it did little to reassure him. “I am ‘sorry’ that I ‘worried’ you. I will-”

“Just put your arms back on the board already, I don’t want you to fall off!”

“Yes, I am doing so right now. But Kaoru, please do not ‘worry’ so m- oh!”

Kanata didn’t finish his sentence; he couldn’t, because he was gone. In the midst of leaning back down to hold onto the surfboard again, he’d lost his balance and slid headfirst into the choppy waters. And all Kaoru could do was watch in sick terror as the hand he reached out to Kanata slipped right past him.

“Kanata-kun?! KANATA-KUN!”

Screaming his name like a madman into the sea wasn’t going to do shit. In an instant Kaoru was off the surfboard too, diving into the water to save Kanata. They were quite far out from the shore — too far for Kanata to gain a footing and struggle to get air. Kaoru could see water enter Kanata’s lungs as he desperately gasped for air, and that scared him so fucking much.

_Please hold on, Kanata-kun. I’m coming right now._

As soon as he could reach Kanata, Kaoru grabbed him back up to the surface and began towing him back to the shore with all his might. It didn’t look good; Kanata was unconscious and didn’t seem to be breathing. Kaoru knew he was a pretty strong swimmer, but for once he didn’t feel that way at all. How could it have taken him so long to get to Kanata underwater? No, how could he have let Kanata slip off the board in the first place? These questions swarmed him at a hundred miles per hour, and all he could do was grit his teeth and focus on getting Kanata to safety as quickly as he could.

“Huh, what happened over there?”

“Oh god, did that guy almost drown? The one with blue hair.”

“Drowning? Dude, that looks bad...”

Back on the shore, Kaoru was met by another swarm of questions and quibbling from surrounding beach goers. None of them made any move to help, and in his frenzy Kaoru yelled for someone to call an ambulance before he turned his attention solely to Kanata.

“Kanata-kun, can you hear me?” He had Kanata laid out flat on the sand, and was now begging whatever god there was out there for there to be even the slightest movement in Kanata’s chest. “Please answer me if you can — please.”

Kanata didn’t respond. Nor was there any sign of breathing. The crowd around them buzzed louder than ever, with someone crying out that the ambulance was on its way and other voices calling for any doctors at the scene to help. Well, whatever. It’s a good thing Kaoru paid attention during those lifeguard training programs because he did know a little about how to get a drowning victim to breathe again.

He tipped Kanata’s chin back with one hand and pinched his nose close with the other. Then he leaned down to cover Kanata’s mouth with his own and began puffing air into it in hopes of getting some oxygen into his lungs. _One, two. One, two._ Kaoru rose again to check Kanata’s status. Still no good. There was still no sign of breathing nor could he detect his pulse. Fuck. He had never administered CPR before, but there’s no way he’s going to just sit next to Kanata’s motionless body and wait until the ambulance arrived. Not if there was even a possibility that it could arrive too late.

Kaoru pressed his hands down firm in the middle of Kanata’s chest and pumped. He couldn’t quite remember how many times he had to press down — not too many but also not too little, and make sure not to put pressure on the ribs — but he knew he had to keep going. Keep going, else he’d be consumed by the icy fear that had crept all over his body.

_Please answer me — please. Please just start breathing, Kanata-kun._

Kaoru could feel his whole body shaking, and he squeezed his eyes shut.

_You can’t leave me like this. You can’t. If you do... if you do, I don’t-_

“-Ack!”

Kaoru’s eyes flew open, and relief flooded him when the first thing he saw was Kanata coughing up water on himself.

“...Kanata-kun!”

And in the hoarsest voice, one that was barely a whisper, Kanata replied, “Kaoru...”

“He’s alive, he’s alive!”

“Holy shit, good job man!”

“Stay there okay, the ambulance is reaching soon!”

The panic that had been rife in the crowd now subsided into collective relief, but even though Kaoru and Kanata were in the centre of it all they were also strangely detached from the scene. The voices around them were blurring out until they were wholly engulfed in a world of their own.

“I’m so- god, I’m so sorry Kanata-kun. This is all my fault.” Kaoru couldn’t bear to look Kanata in the eye. He also couldn’t bear to take his hands off his chest, and his fingers unwittingly dug deeper against Kanata’s skin. “I knew you couldn’t swim. I knew that — and I promised not to let you anywhere near the sea — yet I put you in such danger. God. If you had... if you had l-left me, I don’t... I don’t-”

“Kaoru.” Kanata’s voice was still feathery, but he had mustered enough strength to silence Kaoru with just one word. “Don’t... don’t say that. It is my ‘fault’, not yours. I was the one who ‘insisted’ that we ‘surf’ together... and I was the one who let go of the ‘surfboard’ even though you told me not to. I am very, very ‘sorry’.”

“That’s not true at all! There’s no reason for you to be sorry at all, Kanata-kun, it’s all my fault! So just- just rest for now, okay?”

Kanata’s chest trembled with his gentle laughter. “I will. ...You will ‘rest’ too, will you not, Kaoru?”

“Me? I wasn’t the one who nearly drowned to death, that was you, alright? So you should be the one resting up.”

“But Kaoru-” Kaoru finally found the strength to look at Kanata properly, and he felt his walls crumble the moment they made eye contact “-you worked ‘hard’ to ‘save’ me, no? You must be ‘tired’, so you should ‘rest’ too.”

It was like he was back where he had been moments before the two of them headed out into the sea on the surfboard, where he agreed too easily to Kanata’s request. There was no way he could've won against Kanata. Ever.

Loudly, Kaoru let go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding onto and collapsed onto Kanata’s chest. Kanata perked his head up and made a questioning hum at him, but this time it was Kaoru’s turn not to respond; he couldn’t respond when feeling Kanata’s warmth all over again and how his chest bobbed up and down in steady breathing was almost too much to bear.

“Kaoru..? Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah,” Kaoru tried to say, but his voice was shaking. “I mean. No. S-sorry, I might not be okay right now.

“I was just so... so scared, y’know? Scared that I’d be too late and that you’d actually d-drown. I’m sorry, Kanata-kun. You were probably ten times more scared than I was, but I just...”

He didn’t finish his sentence, because before he knew it the hot wetness in his eyes was spilling out in the form of fat and round tears. Oh dear god, he really hoped Kanata didn’t notice how there were tears dripping down onto his chest right now. That’d be way too uncool even for Kaoru.

“Sorry, I’m a mess right now. Just give me a minute to rest and I’ll pull myself together, I swear.”

“It’s ‘fine’.” There was now a weight pressing down on Kaoru’s wet hair, and it was moving against him before he could register what it was. Warm... it’s Kanata’s hand. He was patting Kaoru’s head. “You should ‘rest’ for as ‘long’ as you ‘wish’, Kaoru.

“I’m here for you. Always. I’m not going ‘anywhere’.”

The tears were spilling out hotter and faster than ever now. There’s no way Kanata didn’t notice them, but at this point did it matter? Kaoru was just so grateful to have Kanata in his arms, alive and kicking.

If Kanata was there for him, that’s more than enough. The world could fall away for all he cared; and it did — the buzzing of the crowd and the approaching whirring of the sirens grew fainter with each passing second. His hands that had been shaking like little leaves finally stopped, and were now wrapped around Kanata tightly, with no sign of letting go anytime soon.

“...Thank you, Kanata-kun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second chapter is up !!!! finally !!!! i was actually aiming to get it up by the first proper week of jan bc i had about 65% of it written out but then ryuseitai event was a thing and i had to pull out all the stops for my emotional support enstars boys so.... yeah! at least i got it out before mid-jan <33
> 
> this is the first of two flashbacks that kaoru has of the time he spent with kanata and i hope i paced it well bc there's quite a lot going on :> also i have never surfed nor administered cpr in my life and on top of that the last time i wrote in past tense was like more than 5 years ago (wtf....) so if any surfer dudebros / members of the red cross / grammar hounds happen to be going through the kaokana tag and spot any inaccuracies in this fic do let me know (⑅˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈ )
> 
> finally !!!! i'm not quite sure when i'll get the third chapter out bc school has started again for me but writing this has been a lot of fun so hopefully it'll be sooner than later! i just hope you enjoyed it as much as i did awfshjk


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